The Choices We Make e6

Hello Diary,

First thing tomorrow morning, I would go to the hospital to seek medical care because now more than ever I believe I am losing it, I can’t take it anymore, it’s like my heart is about to explode or my eye bags would burst open, I have not been able to sleep I can’t bring myself to hurting Bode more than I already did. I spent some time with him and he reminded me of all the good times we had and how much fun I can be, most especially how i don’t have to let the boys win by becoming worse than they, he reminded me that I can still fight for myself, I can still become a better person, I still have a life ahead of me and I don’t have to throw it all away, all I need do is one of two things kill him or set him free. He knows about everything I have done, they are all substantial though because asides you my beloved diary, he has no other proof so even if he tries to report me, they would all just be fairy tales.

I have to tell you why I made the decision to let him go and to go check myself into a hospital. The truth is what I did to Bode, the rabbit and Stella was wrong, I know that now, that was pretty much irresponsible of me. The truth is I was hurting inside, I have been hurting inside since forever and Bode just made it all worse, I struggled to deal with my emotions maturely. I didn’t make friends because I couldn’t or because I didn’t need friends, I didn’t make friends because I feel worthless and so unworthy of love, so in return I place little value on my life or on the life of anyone else. I don’t watch T.V, I don’t socialise, I don’t have any friends, I don’t have any family, except for you diary. When I killed the rabbit, I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders but the weight came back after a couple of minutes, then I felt it again when I killed Stella. You could say I relieve myself of pain by inflicting it on others, murdering Stella was my ultimate release or rather so I thought, because I still feel immense sorrow, guilt and shame, now more than ever. I have nightmares every night, but that’s just a part of it, I see their faces everywhere, I hear their screams, I am scared, lonely, I am so unworthy of love and I am certain that this world would be better off without me, but still I can’t bring myself to ending my own life.

Thank you for the gifts, thank you for the letters, and thank you for your concern diary. It means everything and it keeps me going but this is where our relationship ends, this is where I would have to say goodbye forever to you my beloved. Thank you for everything, you were the best thing that ever happened to me but we can’t continue this relationship. If someone lays their hands on you, then that’s the end of me, so I would have to get rid of you but before I put an end to us, I would share with you one last letter and open up this last gift card sent to me by you.

Dear diary, is this a joke? What have I done? Who would do such a thing? Who would kill for the sake of me? Is there another me out there? What is going on? This can’t be true. I am certain this picture was edited. Dear diary, there’s a problem, but for now I have to go. There is something I need to take care of, it seems like I am not going to get help tomorrow after all, it seems like this might be the end of it all, because if what is written here is true then tonight my just be my last night. I am sorry diary, I really wish you and I met on a different page, I wish I could be like other girls where all I tell you is a story of a boy I just met, or what the latest outfit is or you know all those things girls talk about but I am not one of those girls. My both parents were alcoholics, my father walked out and left the family when I was just 5. I had an abusive step-father who took drugs and abused my mother and I for years, my younger brother died at the hands of a drunk driver, my mother later died from drug overdose. So you see, I can’t be like those other girls because those other girls have no idea what I have been through, they have no idea the horror I had to grow up with, no one knows but I guess tonight it all ends.  I love you diary.

Good night diary.

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