Today I made a mistake, I made a very terrible mistake. I can't believe I let myself fall for his words again. I can’t even believe I let him speak to me, finally, I can say to myself that Bode has become a drug I am extremely addicted to. One that I know is bad for me but that same one that I know I can’t help myself when I am close to it. How did he get to me? How did he make me do that which I craved for a very long time but wouldn’t have? He is bound in ropes and yet he still possesses a very strong hold over me. This only goes to show me how much I miss him, and how I want him badly.
What i am trying to explain to you diary is that I had sex with Bode today, please don't judge me because I am beating myself up badly already and to be honest, I hate myself way more than you do already. Would it be nice that you my only friend blame me also and think I am a slut? I am not a slut my friend, Bode is the only person I have ever been with. I need help I know but when I am with Bode I feel complete, I feel like there's nothing else to this world, I feel the world just stops moving and all I wish for is to have this moment for life. We would sit and talk for hours about anything. I never thought that loving Bode would hurt. He should have told me he had second thoughts, now I’m thinking he and I was a mistake. A mistake I would forever live to regret.
I know he hurt me and I know I want to hurt him too badly but at the same time I want to spend more beautiful moments on earth with him. How can I hate and love one person this much? It hurts, it's confusing. Talk to me diary, what do I do? What would my next line of action be? I am beginning to doubt who the prisoner is, is it Bode who is tied to the chair with a gag in his mouth, a gun to his head, a transparent glass container filled with acid on his left and my wild chained pet to his right or I, who looks free, calling all the shots when my heart still beats expressly for his love, his warmth, and everything that he is. Trust me diary, I know what you are thinking, what I am doing is a little too extreme but the truth is what he did to me is nothing compared to what I am doing to me. A heart break hurts as hell and only God knows when or if the heart returns back to its normal state. That's not what even bothers me the most. What bothers me the most is that my heart still beats for him.
Jesus, what have I gotten myself into? Would I ever be able to get out of this mess I have put myself into? I detest the day Bode walked into my life. Dear diary, I want to promise you something, no matter what happens to me, I want you to know that I could have never wished for a better friend than you and most importantly, I would make Bode pay, I would make him wish his mother had closed her legs. I love you diary, but I have to go now. I know you have a lot of questions but I swear to you, I would answer them all but not today.
Good night diary.