THE REASON FOR LIVING

Heart racing, water pouring, chair squeaking, those are the last sounds I remember before I hang myself in the bathroom in my mother's house. My blood was racing; I could feel my lungs struggling to get air as I struggled to breathe. As I sit here in pure darkness, what many may call the afterlife, I don't know why I thought this would be less painful. I remember searching on the web and this was the least painful way to end my pain.

 Now you must be wondering what would make such a young dappy handsome man like me do such a thing. I was tired of life, in all my happy moments I felt pain and struggled to find a positive outlook on life.

Growing up was never a struggle for me,  I grew up from a well off family  we used to go out on vacations,  went to the best schools in the country, I even  had my first phone in primary school and also my first girlfriend in class one. My favorite memory was when she came over to our house for a sleep over and we shared our first kiss, something about that memory just reminds me the innocence of life back then.

But I digress; I think everything changed when dad passed away. We were driving to Mombasa for our Christmas vacation and what I remember last from that accident was calling dad and he turned to me and the rest is all blurry. I blame myself for him passing, if he hadn’t turned to look at me, he would have seen the oncoming vehicle and evaded it in time.

After that incident, my life became a turmoil, bad behavior, drugs, alcohol and sex. My mother pleaded for me to change but I heard none of it. When I joined campus, I was not in control of my life; I would go where the wind took me. It even got worse when I was involved in a gang rape of a girl I knew. At the time, I was high but the day after I couldn’t forgive myself.

Deep down, I wanted someone to talk to, I was tired of whom I had become and I had no real friends and I was too ashamed to talk to mum. In my rare sober moments, I thought of what I had become and it pained me and it was during those times that I tried to end my life, at least 3 times. I was not successful so I kept on drinking and doing drugs.

As I look back from this cold dark place, I wish I would have talked to someone, I wish I would have listened to my mum, I wish I would have gone for counseling for my dad’s death, I wish I would have settled down with Linda, I wish I would have been more open with someone. From the outside, I was living the fast high life but on the inside, I was dead.

I don’t know how long I have in this darkness, but if anyone is reading this I would like to tell you, it’s never too late to change your life, it’s never too hard to face your fears, find someone to talk to even if you have to pay for it. Ending your life will not change anything, I am still in pain, it’s even worse now that I can’t hide it with anything. I wish I would have done things differently, it’s too late for me but not for you.


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