I could feel it coming. And I didn’t want it to. Because I knew if it hit me, there was no turning back. It was this fast approaching train. How do you stop it when you’re the one standing on the tracks? A small blot in the distance at first, then… as the seconds ticked away into minutes, it got bigger. It came closer.
And all I could do was just stand there and stare.
I couldn’t tell you what was going on in my head at that moment. It was all a jumbled mess. It was crazy in there. I willed myself to take a deep breath, if only to calm my racing heart. But that seemed to add fuel to the fire. My heart pounded in my chest. I was helpless. It’s one of those things where the harder you fight it, the stronger it becomes so you’re just better off letting go and watching everything unfold before your eyes.
And so that’s what I did. I stood there, still. Racing heart, jumbled thoughts, sweaty palms, shaking body and I watched it come at me and hit me.
I didn’t know what I was expecting when that happened. That was the first time something like that was happening to me. And in that moment, I felt euphoric. I was up in the clouds, floating in bliss. Eyes closed, and a smile on my lips, I thought I’d found heaven. This has got to be it. Heaven.
FYI, this is not a suicide story. It’s a love story.
I’d met a guy, you see. And damn it, he made me fall hard and madly in love with him.
The first guy I ever fell in love with. Tall, dashing smile, kind eyes and I could tell he works out. That’s how I would describe him the first time he walked up to me. Little did I know that this was the beginning of one of the most profound things to ever happen in my life.
It was late at night, probably around 11p.m. It was freezing because I remember feeling the warmth radiating from his body when he moved closer to me. And his warm hand clasped onto mine. He was shaking my hand, and that’s when I noticed his smile. Ah, beautiful.
I can’t remember much of that first night we met. But I can tell you about the second time we crossed paths. Of course I remembered him. He had one of those unforgettable smiles that make you do a double take.
We ended up talking and I got to know this stranger a little bit better. As the night wore on, I realized I liked this guy. It was one of those “Oh, shit” moments. As a matter of fact, my heart had already found its way at the beach and was testing the waters wanting to take a deep dive. A fire was starting in my soul.
He was effortlessly funny, and I remember laughing so hard my tummy hurt. He’d unknowingly found my Achilles’ heel. And so we laughed and exchanged stories of childhood memories and our adventures (misadventures, actually) of trying to figure out this confusing thing called life. It was a perfect night.
Later the next day, I couldn’t get him off my mind. Get it together, girl! I kept telling myself over and over again. That did nothing except flood more images of him in my mind. I kept replaying snippets from last night in my head. And his smile! Mother may I?!!
This is so pathetic. Girl, you are so pathetic. I kept saying to myself. I’d only known him, what, like a few hours? How am I such a mess right now then? It doesn’t make sense. See, I’m a very logical person. And I knew that this was not following the rules of logic.
We met again the following week. We watched a movie and indulged in unhealthy, greasy food after. Another perfect night. And as he gently enveloped me into his arms for a goodnight hug, I felt my legs turn into jelly.
Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! I screamed at myself in my head. This was happening later when I was lying in bed unable to sleep, not when I was lost in his hug. No. At that moment, I was lost in a warm cocoon of sturdy arms, firm chest and a heavenly smell.
For the first time in my life, my heart was not cooperating with me. That bugger went on ahead on a different path. It was further out in the sea now, barely afloat. And the waves were coming. This bugger, this rebel heart of mine, was inevitably going to drown.
Hence the fast approaching train with me standing on the tracks.
It’s a metaphor, you see. I stood and watched as my feelings grew and grew, and there was nothing I could do about it.
And so I stopped fighting it. I let go and those feelings hit me, hard. And I was falling, fast. The waves came crashing, and my heart was drowning.
I was in love.