Adaora, if I told you why, why I have chosen this path would it make a difference. Would it change the sad picture of me you have, impressed firmly on your memory's surface? One that I suspect is infinite in consequence and without repentance.
Would the firm hands of time suddenly reverse and in a quick sweeping motion, erase all the torments of the past to allow us both a new clean slate to start afresh. To relive what once we hoped would be our future. Our life. The paths we had laid out for ourselves, crystal clear on the deep forest of fantasies.
It hurts me that I am uncertain that it is what you would want. It hurts even more that I suspect you have long moved on, memories of me a distant haze in your swirl of thoughts . And more often now, I wish it were not so. I wish the fates were more kind and you the less Hurtful, but I know that wishes are indifferent to fate's verdict and so I choose not to think too much.
You see the choices I have made are without repentance mine. But then again, would you believe me if I told you that it had to be done for both our sakes. That every single thing I did was for the benefit of our family and that if fate ever gave me a say on that days outcome I would not have done it any differently.
Adaora, what have you told our daughter. What does she think of me. Sometimes I wonder whether you told her of me. Of how much of a wretched father I was and how she was never to tow my miserable path.
You have every right to be angry I cheated on you more times than I can count or recall to memory. The effusion of a timeless age has Sept away my conscious of timime, all I know now is an unending day and a tortious journey that is seems has neither a destination nor purpose.
Adair a, remember. Remember that our fates were linked and not just in consequence of what ezemuo proclaimed some years back but also an inherent knowing that we have both been privy all our lives. Yes I admit it was cowardly to hang myself but I only did it to save you the misery of having to bring up out child while it's useless father added to your troubles. You were better off without my depression.
You did me no wrong. The resplendent smile on your face on rare days I stayed home and avoided Mama Anthony's bar only reminded me of how much I didn't deserve you and slowly this feeling morphed into a self consuming creed to rid you of myself, that you may one day have a chance at happiness. Despite the troubles of this journey and it's profound mess over all my senses, Adaora, my heart will always belong to you.