5 Things Kenyans Need to Do Before Obama Visits

March, 30th 2015 was just another sleepy day in the dusty village of Kogelo, a half-hour north of the magnificent Lake Victoria. In this once obscure village, little handsome boys kicked a soccer ball made out of a conglomeration of plastic bags and rubber ties. The beautiful women of Luo land pounded on freshly harvested maize while the men were 25 minutes down the road, hauling in their day’s catch of fish from the lake. Just another day in the ancestral land of Obama. Then came the announcement from the White House. No, not Mzee Okungu’s white house that is on top of the hill right next to the village church, the other White House. The one where a Luo man occupies on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with his 2 Luo girls and mama Malia. The announcement was brief but enough to cause a pandemonium of Tsunami proportions. The son of Kogelo was coming back!

You see Luos do not see Obama as just another President. Right next to Raila aka “Baba”…Obama is the Messiah, the promised one. The one the prophets spoke about. The one who came from Obama Sr,  tactfully planting his seed, in a woman who would not have to visit the Embassy in Gigiri for a visa. The one who republicans loath, yet is loved by millions around the world. On that sleepy Monday evening the Luo men dropped their catch on the beach, the women stopped pounding their maize and the soccer ball made of recyclables stopped rolling in the dust. Life came to a halt. SMS were sent. Bulls were ordered from Baba Onyi’s farm, the village bar made out of sheet metal was filled to the brim. Many Tuskers were popped open. It was time for celebration President Barrack Obama had finally confirmed that he would be visiting Kenya in July.

It has been 2 weeks since that announcement. Kenyans all over the country and the Diaspora, not just Luos are excited. Plans are being made. Helicopters from Europe have been ordered to transport VIPS. Pot holes that have been craters for decades are being filled along Kisumu road. Kenyans are preparing for President Obama’s arrival in 3 months.

Now when you have the President of the free world visiting your country, things cannot just continue per status quo. Things have to drastically change or be improved for such an important visitor. 

I just have some simple suggestions. Here are 5 things that need to happen before Obama comes to Kenya.

1. Someone hide Mike Sonko

I don’t know about you, but I personally like Mike Sonko. He is quite the character. From his ever changing hair color, to his fleet of gold cars, to his armed bodyguards strolling around Nairobi with Ak-47S. Who can forget when he made world news by photo shopping a picture of him and Mandela? As I said, Senator Sonko is quite a character. A fearless defender of Prezzo Uhuru, Mike Sonko has no problem challenging anyone. He will slap Cabinet Secretaries and ruin your political career by posting a picture of your married ass in bed with him..just ask Shebesh. The man gives zero f**cks. Dear Kenyans, we cannot have the Sonko with his chameleon hair welcome Obama at Jomo Kenyatta Airport. That would not turnout well. Instead of secret service escorting Obama, the Senator of Nairobi will have his famous “Sonko Rescue Team” escort the leader of the free world through the streets of Nairobi. Can you picture Obama’s sleek black Cadillac being escorted by a convoy of gold land cruisers and hummers? No man, before Obama land, someone please hide Sonko

2. Give all MPs a sexual harassment class.

Dear Kenyans, the last thing we need is our thirsty Members of Parliament with their insatiable sexual appetites causing an international incident by hitting on Mama Malia. Obama is a Luo man at heart. No one would blame Obama if he sent a squadron of F-16s to bomb the shit out of parliament building because Imenti Central MP Gideon Mwiti cannot control his “njoroge”. So in an effort to pre-empt any international embarrassment and quite possibly a full scale war-give all Kenyan MPs a mandatory sexual harassment class. No one gets paid until they show a signed certificate of completion.

3. Remind Governor Kidero, he is not a traffic policeman nor a gardener.

So Governor Kidero stopped slapping women and became a traffic policeman. This is true. As you read this humble blog, complete pandemonium is occurring now on Jogoo Rd, Mombasa Rd and even Thika Rd which never has traffic. Traffic Policeman Kidero woke up one day and decided that roundabouts were no longer necessary. My friend Oketch left the airport at 5:45pm eager to have his favorite drink at his bar in Westlands…he arrived 4 hours later. Governor Kidero, what kind of witchcraft is this? These roundabouts have been in effect since the British colonized Kenya. Please, we cannot have Baba Sasha and Malia get stuck on Mombasa road. The villagers in Kogelo have slaughtered bulls, there has been genocide of Tilapia and the whole Maize supply in East and Central Africa is now a huge mound of Ugali.

Then there is the curious case of mounds of dirt around the Central Business District, complete with signs of “Step on the grass at your own risk”. Which grass Kidero? Obama is coming in a few days,  what kind of miracle will be needed to turn mounds of red dust into grass? For Christ’s sake someone remind Governor Kidero he is not a traffic policeman nor a gardner!

4. Ban the secret service from Visiting Sabina Joy.

Obama is a very important man. He is the commander in chief of the world’s most powerful country. With one push of a button he can restructure the Geography of North Korea..not that anyone would miss North Korea. But that is beside the point. The son of Kogelo has many enemies. From the Tea Party, to Al-Qaeda, the hungry looking Al-Shabbab to these new crazy boys naming themselves ISIS. So as such, his protection is very important. Now, the people tasked to guard the prezzo of America are very talented agents..but they have their demons. P**y and alcohol. We cannot allow them to have any distractions no matter how beautiful our ladies are. It is with this in mind that I suggest Kenyans declare Sabina Joy a NO-GO zone to the secret service. As a matter of fact, just shut it down during the duration of Obama’s visit. We want Prezzo Obama to return safely to Sasha and Malia.

5. Produce the real Birth certificate.

Now that Obama is almost done being Prezzo of America, Luos should do justice to history and produce his real birth certificate.  Your mission of havinga Luo man become President is accomplished.

 We all know what happened on August 4th, 1961. Obama was born, the Luos knew Jaramogi would not make it as prezzo of Kenya so they came up with an ingenious plan. Money was exchanged at Nyayo house and a technician at River Road made a master piece which was then delivered to Hawaii where Onyango worked as a clerk at Kapiʻolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital. 

This son of Kogelo, Barack Hussein Obama went from being born at Pumwani hospital to Kapiʻolani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital in Hawaii. The rest is history. The Luos had the last laugh..their plan worked. So now that the plan worked, can we just do history right and produce the real birth certificate, where Dr. Kimani was the officiating Physician so Barrack can run again this time in Kenya? We all know he will be voted unanimously. So dear Luos, please produce Prezzo’s real certificate so Raila aka Baba does not write the second version of his father’s book, “Not yet Uhuru.” So there you, go my dear Kenyans. 5 simple ideas before Obama visits Kenya. 

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